The Questionable Quest Continues

It’s been quite a while since I last wrote a blog post. I’ve had a few younger friends recently share how they want to contribute something to the world through writing a blog. I don’t think they’re alone in wanting to feel like they’ve somehow made the world a better place, they did something, they achieved something. I posted this poem just recently and I think it says a lot for how I feel a lot of the time.

 

A poem by Emily Dickinson
A poem by Emily Dickinson

So here I sit at age 43 pondering what it all means. A good friend hit a very low point this week and I found myself, head in hands crying unconsolably at the thought of losing them. I question are there places in this world where there is no such thing as depression? Where the only hard days are when life ultimately runs it’s course (at some point we all have to leave this world)? I imagine those places where life is still somewhat primitive, they don’t have mobile phones and TV, cars and big fancy houses. They’re in a community where people all support each other and the lost are loved unconditionally until they find their way again. They always seem so much happier but with what seems as so much less. Perhaps it’s a utopian ideal that doesn’t exist, that there is some place somewhere where everyone is content, happy, truly living. Even as I look around I can see people that seemingly have their shit together and I do wonder if that’s really the case, or are they just better at hiding the crap? In the grand scheme of things I have a pretty good life, but I do winder when will that moment of clarity hit when I sit there and FINALLY ‘get it’? Hmmmm.

So it’s been almost 3 years since my last post, and that was about food anyway. I’ve learned a lot on the last few years, probably more than I had in any time before that. I remember in my early 20s watching women in their 30s on Oprah, struggling to be who they were immersed in a life of giving to others, having unrealistic expectations and ultimately not looking after themselves. I remember thinking that I was learning so much from that and ‘wouldn’t make the same mistakes’ – who was I kidding? I often find myself saying “Life shouldn’t have to be this hard” as I or others deal with everyday ‘stuff’ that keeps us from being the best we can be. I am starting to think though that it really isn’t until you reach your 40s that you do really start to ‘get it’ and well, if you pick that up any earlier you are truly blessed.

So the Questionable Quest, what is it? What is the meaning of life? I’ve worked out it wasn’t really ’42’ …and what was the question really anyway? I’ve sat down many a time with the life-defining question “What is your purpose?” and really had to think about that. What would I do if money was no object? What does really matter? What do you love most? What ultimately would make you truly happy?

Can you tell I’m an ‘INFJ’? Yeah that was a bit of an epiphonal moment where I at least understood ‘So that’s why other people don’t understand me, and why it is that most people don’t think like me’. *SIGH*

So I’ve worked on that. Turns out just as I’d found my purpose, and was spurred on with a new found energy and passion for it, my means of living it was taken away. I had to question why in a moment of time of pure clarity suddenly the Universe kicked me in the guts – did I get it wrong? What did that mean? What am I missing? A lotto win – that would probably clarify a few things for me, or at least give me the opportunities to work them out. At least I’m awake, at least I’m questioning everything, and at least I’m grateful for the things I have and the opportunities to have choices in my life.

LOVE
LOVE

In recent years I’ve chosen a theme word to try and guide my goals and choices throughout the year. ‘Rise’, ‘Shine’, ‘Dare’ ….sadly last year I resorted to ‘Survive’. Well I’ve done a bit of all those things and it did encourage me to try new things and focus on who I really want to be.  This year I chose a theme word of ‘Love’, but I soon realised I was going to need to be a bit more specific as to what ‘mini goals’ I needed to have to achieve that ….which I kind of forgot about and got off track a bit. I’m pretty sure I’ve mastered it in some places, it’s the harder moments where my sensitivity and tendency to be reactive where I’m not so great and far from loving. Goal for the day – let’s work on thinking about that some more.

So at some point I might revisit my ’40 Things Before 40′ and put together a list of ’50 Things Before 50′ compiled of the things that just didn’t get done and a few more new things. It can make life fun, it can make us move outside out little box, it can make us dream and fulfil us when we accomplish those things. For this year though, my primary goal is to get involved in some sort of service to my community along with my almost-teen daughter, not only to help her to understand she truly does have a fortunate life but ultimately to help those who have less.

we-can-do-no-great-things-only-small-things-with-great-love-5

As someone who majored in Home Economics and definitely has that at the core of the things I love to do, Maslow’s Hierachy of Needs has always been one foundation for how I look at life. We meet our basic needs in the quest to reach the ultimate of self-actualisation, that time when you maximize your potential and are doing the best that you are capable of doing, truly living. Follow your bliss, make it happen and maybe you’ll find that moment of clarity when you can sit back and say “Yeah, now I get it”.

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